The Best Advice from People You Don’t Know (But Probably Should Listen To)

New Year; New You (ish)?

I happened across an article from a NYT feature called “The Morning,” wherein the writer asked readers for the best advice they’d received over the past 12 months. Of course, there were plenty of the expected tips like “Drink more water;” “Don’t go to bed angry,” and “Exercise daily.” You know, the stuff of the usual new year’s resolutions suspects.

But some of the advice was truly thought-provoking, prompting me to want to share with you.

Before you get worried, I’m not going to burden you with ‘all-or-nothing,’ success or failure, repair or ruin thinking. Research shows those sorts of ‘resolutions’ don’t work very well. Change is one thing; becoming someone else is another. Rather, I (and a bunch of other people you don’t know) are going to suggest you replace resolution with ritual. Or, if you will, outcome with process.

Rather than leaving a behavior that’s not working for you, what about simply reframing your approach?

The 10 bits and pieces I’ve selected (with attribution to those who submitted them) fall into two categories (with plenty of overlap): YOU personally and YOU professionally. In other words, the first group have less to do with work; the second group will help you approach work – and conversations with supporters – with fresh eyes and renewed spirit.

Let’s get started.

YOU personally

1. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

— Kristine Tobin Balasz, Charlevoix, Mich.

This one reminds me of a line from King Lear, speaking to his daughter Cordelia when she does not offer him the filial obeisance he believes he is due: “Nothing comes of nothing.”  I often quote this, a bit out of context, when working with folks who are in a rut and all they can do is complain. Of course, if you want something to be different you have to affirmatively do something.

2. Ask yourself: What if there was no problem to solve right now?

— Brianán Kiernan, San Francisco

This one is almost the flip side of the one above. Status quo can be a real drag, but not if it’s a happy present situation. Everything doesn’t require fixing. Humans tend to default to problem solving mode. It keeps us busy. But, you don’t need to be a constant problem solver. Sometimes you simply need to slow down and “be here now.”  Allow yourself to relax into your current state so the truth of who you are can shine through. Know when you’re at enough — and maybe when you don’t need to keep pushing so hard.

3. Don’t think harder, breathe deeper. Most of us are surviving on shallow sips of air.

— Carly Sotas, Los Angeles

I love this one, because it’s so true. I notice this every time I begin my Pilates routine with a deep inhale/exhale. Inevitably, I start coughing. Because it’s been so long since I really cleared out my lungs.  Take a minute to slow down and do this, perhaps when you awake and when you lie down for the night. And, while you’re at it, unhunch your shoulders and unclench your jaw.  We all do it.

4. Don’t make what someone told you into your narrative.

— Jean Anderson, Winter Garden, Fla.

Show me the person who isn’t insecure at least some of the time, and I’ll show you… no one. We all carry around inner critics, annoying embodiments of things others said to us – parents, siblings, in-laws, teachers, bosses, and even well-meaning friends. The super-unhelpful things they tell us are all variations on the theme of “you don’t have what it takes.” This is a totally irrational fear. Your inner critic is perhaps trying to protect and defend you, but actually this critic is holding you back by ruminating on the risks and worst-case scenarios. If you always play it “safe,” you’ll never grow.

5. Put away your phone whenever there is a human being in front of you.

— Emily Herrick, Vashon, Wash.

I don’t believe this one needs explaining. Humans are social animals. Deny yourself this, and you will miss a lot.

YOU professionally

6. We tend to forget that baby steps still move us forward.

— Becki Moss, Sarasota, Fla.

This one reminds me a bit of a favorite song from Steven Sondheim’s “Sunday in the Park with George,” “Move on.” You, and your organization, have to move on. It’s a choice. “The choice may be wrong, but not the choosing.” If you’re stuck in the past, you won’t notice new opportunities as they present themselves. Once you’ve made a choice to change the world, and to make an impact over time, time is either friend of foe. If you don’t think ahead, the future will nonetheless arrive. Without you. Make time your friend. The clock is ticking, but if you turn off the sound you won’t hear it.

7. Good conversations have lots of doorknobs.

— Samantha Good, Portland, Ore.

This one is especially relevant to communicating with donors, volunteers and work colleagues. Ask generative questions to draw people out. As I write in Curiosity Didn’t Kill These Fundraisers—It Made Them Unstoppable, curiosity is a muscle. It atrophies if you don’t regularly use it. So, take some time to select a handful of open-ended questions you can ask folks to learn more about them (there are suggestions in my afore-mentioned article). Then, listen deeply as folks begin to tell you their stories.

8. Stop trying to calm the storm. Calm yourself, the storm will pass.

— Lyn Banghart, Easton, Md.

Frenetic worry and anxiety leads to frenetic, anxious people. If you are a leader of others, often the best role you can play is to be the embodiment of calm and positive energy. The sky truly is not falling (the laws of the universe prevent this) – it just seems that way. Shift from reactive to proactive stance, and you’ll be amazed how much more in control you’ll feel. And, how you feel will be contagious – in a good way.

9. Ask for a favor, get advice. Ask for advice, get a favor.

— Max Zawacki, Conroe, Texas

You’ve probably heard me and other seasoned fundraisers say “If you want advice, ask for a gift. If you want a gift, ask for advice.”  Everyone likes to be asked for advice. This engages your donor and makes them feel you care about their opinion, not just their wallet. You can ask their advice on some of the topics you think they’re likely wanting answers on.  Ultimately, this approach will get you to where you want to go more effectively.

10. In order to fall asleep, you pretend to fall asleep. Perhaps that’s how everything works … cheers to faking it ’til you make it.

— Christen Bakken, Pine, Colo.

This works – as long as you care for the “making it” part. It’s really not about “pretending,” but about attending. It’s about imagining yourself as who you want to be, then stepping forward into that persona. Dress professionally to be taken seriously. Attend courses or hire a coach to learn what you don’t know. Volunteer for extra assignments or leadership roles that will help expand your knowledge. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke urges  “live the questions.” Stay with uncertainty long enough that, one day, almost without noticing, you begin living your way into the answers.

You Don’t Need a New You. You Just Need a Little Reflection.

Crossing into a new year, people are often tempted to think they need a brand-new version of themselves to meet the moment. But most of the wisdom above doesn’t ask for reinvention. It asks for attention.

Attention to your breath.
To your inner stories.
To the people right in front of you.
To the small steps that, taken consistently, move you – and your mission — forward.

For those working in the social benefit sector, this matters more than ever. Our work is relational. It’s emotional. It requires presence, curiosity, steadiness, and courage — often on days when the world feels anything but steady.

So maybe the invitation for the new year isn’t new you at all. Maybe it’s more you: a little calmer, a little braver, a little more intentional about how you show up — with donors, colleagues, family, friends, and yourself.

Want a Little Help Getting Started?

How much time do you spend being genuinely thoughtful about your goals and objectives? And do you take as much time as you would like to think strategically about your plan to achieve these ends?  Not just mindlessly editing or tweaking last year’s plan, but really digging deep into why you’re doing these things?  And whether there might be other more effective ways to get to where you want to go?

My 7 Clairification Keys to Unlock Your Nonprofit’s Fundraising Potential may be just the resource you need. Spend a little time — for yourself and for your organization — to dig into the worksheets and exercises in this Guidebook. Refresh your thinking, and refresh your plans.

All Clairification resources come with a no-questions-asked, 30-day refund policy. If you’re not happy, I’m not happy.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels